Andrew Maunder

The holiday Beach Walk...

Whenever I go on holiday and end up on a beach you see the same people whether you go to Miami, Spain or Greece..

On every beach there is; the married man with overweight wife and three kids. He will not take his sunglasses off for a second because he's using them as a shield so no one can see his eyes swiveling every second a beautiful woman walks past.

There is always the single girl on her own, very petite and wearing a mini bikini, with perfect skin and perfect tan, paying no attention to anyone but knowing she's the centre of everybody else's attention...

...The german couple who always seem to lie on the beach just above where you are, and she lies there with legs apart, little tufts of curls protruding from the crotch area. She is enough to keep me on my back facing forward...

Then there's me, the obvious voyeur, whose philosophy is that if someone is displaying everything they have, its safe to assume they won't mind you looking...smiling and acknowledging. Amazing how quickly some women put their tops back on!

Then you always get the young muscular stud, with rippling six pack and power bulge and if I'm lucky, I can get out of the sea and out of view before people start to compare my middle aged body with his. If I can't get out of the sea in time, I duck down to neck level until he's well past.

The most annoying 'beachies' are the young twenty something girls holidaying together, who traipse up and down the beach front all day with their breasts bouncing. They know you're looking but regard you with an icy ' pervert' stare if you're unfortunate enough to catch their eyes.

So you can imagine my amusement when, after just being caught with such a stare, the girl tripped over a young lads sandcastle and went face down into the surf. Virtually the whole beach for a hundred yards each way erupted into laughter and as the poor girls friend dragged her up, she ran screaming tears of shame up the beach, tripping over a second time and landing on top of a very old, very large and very grateful old man. Precious!